shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize