News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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