He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
