I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
