It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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