zippers are such a cool invention
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
