I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
