All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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