If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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