Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
