Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
