How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Randomize