You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
