Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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