You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
