i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
