I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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