Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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