imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
