I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
