You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
