I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
