i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
