shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
