i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize