how can u be prego again
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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