I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
