Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
