we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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