you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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