Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Damn victory sex feels great
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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