I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
