By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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