My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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