After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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