I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
