How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
