why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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