If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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