Sry I called you an 8
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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