The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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