a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
It's official drugs can't kill me
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
