dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
found the other keg... it's in the tree
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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