God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
