Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
