if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Randomize
