What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Randomize
