My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
When are your genitals available?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize