it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize