fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
