I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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