I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
