dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
