As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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