she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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