What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
