I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
