Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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