Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
