I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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