so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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