Will you blow on my dice?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just cut my nipple shaving
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
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