My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
