it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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