ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
