But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
