if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
