I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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