Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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